A Time for Transparency

Flashback to a little over two months ago. I was sitting on this same couch writing a post of happiness, a post of new beginnings. How strange it is that as I reflect on my own words and think about my past mindset, I am living out what that very blog is aimed to encourage. Could it be that the person my post was meant to help was my future self?

I have been silent because I feel like I have nothing to offer. When I think about blogs, I see snapshots of progress and triumphs, little glimpses into another’s journey. My recent journey has been, well, it’s been hard for no logical reason. I’ve been too embarrassed to admit that amidst the recent joys in my life, I have been trapped in a whirlwind of anxiety. There is no one and nothing to blame besides myself. My husband asked me the other day to explain what I was feeling, and the only way I could get the proper words out was to write a poem for him. As I read it out loud, I think he understood.

09.03.18

I feel guilty that I’m sad.

I have a husband, a job, a dog.

I have a hole,

A lightless pit, nestled in my bones.

I feel guilty that I’m sad.

I have a family, a body, a home.

I have a hole,

A barren land that should be filled with seeds of hope.

I smile outside.

I work to pass the time.

I know I should be thankful.

I feel guilty that I’m sad.

I want to share my poem and my thoughts, not for sympathy, but just to show that sometimes journeys are one step forward and two steps back. Mental health is more important than what your life looks like to others. With all the recent news of lost battles and surrenders, I think we as a culture should embrace transparency with open arms. How can we be courageous without admitting our struggles and fears? I will never give up, and I don’t want anyone else to give up either.