When I first started this blog, the only thoughts that consumed my mind (outside of my mathematics studies of course) revolved around calories. How many calories should I consume to be small? What foods are “safe” to eat? How many calories can I burn by lifting weights?… You get the point. Sure, I wrapped it up in a nice, shiny bow however, at the core, my healthiness wasn’t healthy for me at all. Based off my recently changed last name, I coined the blog “It’s Just that Cz” to portray that living a healthy life is easy (cz). Along with the title, I made my slogan (if you will) “Navigating Fitness, Marriage, and Positivity”. Despite the fact that I was supposedly navigating, I was really drowning, even if I didn’t realize it at first.
I’ve touched on this in previous blogs, and as I look back through them, I can see myself justifying my restrictive nature less and less. For me, it’s like reading between the lines of my recovery from unhealthy thought patterns. I’ve grown from trying to not define myself with labels in November 2017 [“Weaknesses are Not for the Weak”], opening up about body image struggles in June 2018 [“Looking at Life with a Rear-View Mirror: Appreciating Life’s Path], and addressing my unhealthy relationship with the gym in February 2019 [” How Not to be Motivated to Go to the Gym]. All of this has led up to now where I don’t even recognize aspects of my mind. I can actually wake up and think about more than what I am going to eat, how I’m going to move my body, and how I can never be the person that I thought I wanted to be. I still struggle, and I still sometimes force myself to relax, but that is better than forcing myself to push my body to extremes.
What I’m trying to say (and I know I’ve said this before) is that it really isn’t that easy to be healthy. In fact, it’s really hard to care for your health in a balanced, holistic way. Each person’s balance is different, and some people have to focus on one area more than another. For me, I have learned that when I care for my mental health and really dig into my thought patterns, the emotional and physical aspects somewhat fall into place. Fitness will always be important to me, but I hope that it will never own my identity and encompass all aspects of my health (physical=being small, mental=worrying about being small, emotional= moods dictated by feeling big/small) ever again.
I encourage you to think about your health as a whole and consider what your main drivers are whether they be money, fitness, or fame. Think about if those ideas or things bring you health and happiness or if you are content in who you are without them.
Maybe consider using a process similar to what I did in a previous blog. Take a motivation and question it until it shakes you, until you finally write out in words what the deepest parts of you may have been feeling all along. As in my example below, with each answer, pull out a key word or idea, and ask a more specific question about what you identified. You will probably know when you’re done.
What do I enjoy about exercise?: I enjoy feeling healthy and strong, and I love the sense of accomplishment that I feel when I move.
Why do I exercise on days when I don’t feel healthy and strong?: I am afraid that I am weak if I can’t work out as much as other people do, and that I will never see progress. (From this, I take that fear is sometimes my motivation- oof #1)
Why do I still tell myself that progress can change overnight when I am certified and educated on the subject and know better?: I operate with a healthy mind-set regarding other people’s lives, but somehow the information gets lost in translation when I think about myself.
Why don’t I have a healthy mind-set towards myself?: I am not as mentally over my disordered eating and exercise habits as I thought I was. (oof #2)
Why do I care so much about progress?: Because I am still figuring about my passions and myself, I feel like if I don’t have fitness, I don’t have anything else. (From this, I take that I sometimes confuse fitness with my identity- oof #3)
What do I see as progress?: While we are being honest here, I guess I have been focusing too much on physique rather than overall health. I really have been working on this one, but it is just so unreasonably hard for me (oof #4)
From- “How Not to Be Motivated to Go to the Gym”
Given all of these changes, I still want to remain “It’s Just that Cz”. Not because life is easy (or because it may cost money to change it), but because this blog is just me. It’s me in my ups, and it’s me in my downs. What I do want to change is my mission. I don’t want to just “Navigate Fitness, Marriage, and Positvity”; however, I am not ready to commit to a new one. I am still trying to figure that out (feel free to let me know if something strikes you). I am going to continue asking the hard questions to myself and sharing things that I discover and that bring me joy. Hopefully, I will help shed a light on what health looks like in an honest way and demonstrate that you don’t have to have it all figured out in your twenties. Thanks for being part of my journey.
P.S: Sometimes I get busy and don’t stop to write, but I am also on Instagram- @itsjustthatcz
You’re working so hard and I’m so proud of you.