Day 1: Operation Period Update

I heard someone the other day say that they needed to get back on the wagon. They felt like they had been indulging a little too much, and that it was time to get back on track. This phrase is not revolutionary; in fact, it’s common for people to feel like they bounce on and off of living a “healthy” lifestyle.

I guess I am just different, and I think it is important to recognize that everyone has their own unique comfort zones. Personally, I like the wagon. Dare I say, I love the wagon and all of its familiar security. I enjoy eating clean, pushing myself to work hard the gym, and spending my evenings at home. My obsession with being on the wagon is making it difficult to stay on a balanced path. Slowly, its wheels are steering me towards a dangerous restrictive place.

The wagon needs to have a weight lifted off  every now and again to maintain its strength. Not only does the wagon not get lost, but it waits and fortifies the road ahead towards healthy living. Getting off at stops is actually part of the journey. A healthy lifestyle revolves around balance.

I envy those that take the time to rest, enjoy their favorite foods, and experience new things. I build anything outside of my standard routine, even dinner at a local restaurant, highly out of proportion. The sheer amount of my brain power that goes into trivial worries is mind-blowing. Literally, it blows my mind.

Goodness, I don’t know how many times I have told myself that I am better than this, that I am smarter than this. I’m a broken record; it’s truly embarrassing. So after about a year now of “committing” to making myself uncomfortable in order to heal my mind and body, I am calling this Day 1. Clearly what I have been doing hasn’t been working.

Recently, I have been reading more on amenorrhea recovery. In most cases, it’s ashamedly pretty simple: Workout less and eat a heck of a lot more. Should be easy right? Well, if it was, I wouldn’t be in this position to begin with. I will never get my period back if I don’t learn to fully love myself and my body. Health is a mindset, and fitness is a state of being not an appearance…. Yeah I know… It’s just hard to fight those little voices inside your head that say otherwise.

Obviously, I am not very good at keeping myself accountable. That being said, starting today I am going to just let loose… Nope, who am I kidding here. I am going to incorporate a few new things into my daily lifestyle.

1. Journaling in some capacity: This could be jotting my thoughts down, recording a short video, or writing a poem. I am thinking that I may incorporate writing one thing that I learn/ know about myself along with it.
2. Reading scripture: This is something that unfortunately will be new to me. I have a lot of thoughts stirring in me on Christianity, but I don’t know how to convey them yet. If you have any good places to start reading or know of any good devotionals, let me know.
3. Not saying, “Oh I can’t have that”: Somewhere in my head I have an unwritten personal code of conduct that is literal garbage. For example, I worked at Starbucks for half a year, and my husband worked at a specialty coffee shop for almost a year, and I have never had a mocha, vanilla latte, or pastry because apparently, “those are for other people to enjoy and not me”.

Don’t be too hard on yourself if you feel you are “off the wagon”. It may even be part of your ride. If loving yourself truly means pushing yourself at the gym, then give it the best you’ve got. If loving yourself means eating a piece of chocolate, then enjoy every bit of it. I’ve got a lot of walls to break, food to eat, and thankfully, a great community to support me.